| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2008|01:33 am] |
| [ | music |
| | so begins our alabee - of montreal | ] |
why is it always like this. i feel like my life keeps stopping at: such POTENTIAL. oh jesus. in just about every aspect.
i need to stop having good conversations with him. i feel like i'm having bullshit talk so much of the time and even though a lot of our talk doesn't matter some of it is so good, and really i live and die on good lines by boys. that's why i didn't return eddie's phone calls but i answered berk's. because because becauuuuse i'm fucking stupid stupid stupid because he's almost as impossible. maybe he
fuck |
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| my life: |
[Feb. 27th, 2008|06:31 pm] |
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sick of the constant tension between boredom and stress. need something new. threw up today and so i don't want to go to class. grilled cheese is what did it. grilled cheese is not the same when it's not on the roof of an old mosad building-turned-hostel. maybe that's why i threw up. not really. maybe. i don't know. i feel gross. i miss him a lot, and i don't want to, but i am not contacting him or going to that party tomorrow because i refuse to be deperate in the slightest, and i know there's no point in attempting a reconcilliation. if we can ever be friends again i can't make a single move. weird dreams recently. i think i'm lonely. my stomach still feels fucked up. i am bored. hawaii in may? i'll have to call my aunt and uncle but that would be fucking fantastic. |
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| we're all gonna be dinosaurs eventually, babe |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|07:24 am] |
WELL THE SWORD SWALLOWER,
HE COMES UP TO YOU AND THEN HE KNEELS
HE CROSSES HIMSELF
AND THEN HE CLICKS HIS HIGH HEELS
AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE HE ASKS YOU
HOW IT FEELS
AND HE SAYS, "HERE IS YOUR THROAT BACK,
THANKS FOR THE LOAN"
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS HAPPENING,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
DO YOU, MR. JONES? |
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| apparently two hours of sleep is enough |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|07:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | bob dylan - ballad of a thin man | ] |
because i passed the fuck out and now i can't keep my eyes closed for anything. so i will do this instead. everything is so ridiculous and i wish my brain wasn't going a million miles a minute.
JANUARY
1. Who kissed you on new years? i'm not going to pretend-- i have absolutely no idea. i feel like i kissed about 20 people who were in my vicinity at midnight, and then there was the bathroom incident...haha
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? no
3. Does it snow where you live? yes
4. Do you like hot chocolate? yeah!
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? no, i feel like that is such a bad idea
FEBRUARY
1. Who was your Valentine? haha, i think shannon? maybe?
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? no
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? ...no clue
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? i think a bag of m&ms
MARCH
1. Are you Irish? fuck the irish (okay not really just one of them)
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? no...
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? not much, i was sick
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? YES
APRIL
1. Do you like the rain? some days
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? not really, something stupid to my roommate
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter? ...
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? went to a party at the akl house and was dd, got mad at danielle for being manipulative, drove a brand new lexus when i was super high and was convinced the car would even drive itself if i didn't, but figured i wouldn't risk it...my roommate gave her first ever blowjob...
MAY
1. What is your favorite flower? i like daffodils and sunflowers and ...i forget
4. Do you celebrate May 16th? according to wikipedia that would be nat'l piercing day. i took my eyebrow ring out around this time, actually.
5. Is May anything special to you? end of the semester; that's all i really need
JUNE
1. What year did/will you graduate? high school? 2006...fuck knows when i'll finally get my ba
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? i don't remember? probably
3. Have a favorite baseball team? sh
JULY
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? i have no idea! shit. oh, i was at ben's, and it rained so we didn't go to the fireworks
2. Did you go to the fireworks? ...no
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? it was cold! and rainy :(
AUGUST
1. Did you do anything special? my birthdayyyyyyyy
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07 summer? i love summer. i have no clue. me shilpa sunaina and kaitlin's beach day was good. my birthday was good. drunken streaking in the carusi sprinklers with rafi was good. there's a lot.
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? not as much as i wanted to...the beach either
SEPTEMBER
1. Did you attend school/college? yes
2. Do you like fall better than summer? no
3.Anything happen in this month? um...i don't think so. josh happened? that's about it
OCTOBER
1. What was your Halloween costume? go-go girl
2. What is your favorite candy? i like the dark chocolate m&ms a lot...and twix...
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? halloween, obv!
NOVEMBER
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? dad's this year
2. What are you thankful for? family and friends and bob dylan and sex and drugs and rock and roll
3. Do you love stuffing? mmm yes i'm hungry
DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? nope
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? no
3. Get anything special last year? i didn't get anything for anything last year
4. What do you want this year? nothing really.
5. What do you love most about December? new years eve |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|05:44 pm] |
OH LOOK. WRONG AGAIN. FUCK YOU, ITUNES |
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| well, do you need a lot of what you've got to survive? |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|05:11 pm] |
first thing this morning i consumed much too much tom robbins and rufus wainwright, which was probably a terrible thing to do considering what i've done
two things that i have pretty much been eating every day: pistachio nuts and chocolate milk.
also, i have realized that 1. i am an idiot 2. there are so many times that my itunes shuffle will make me think that things will go a certain way (last three songs that have played: ben lee- ache for you, dashboard confessional- hands down*, smashing pumpkins- by starlight). allison just told me to call him again and i want to and i don't want to and i want to throw up because i'm so done. i meant to type dumb not done. interesting.
in other news, i'm really excited for tonight, dumbfuck things excused. if there's any time in my life where i've needed to "expand my mind" now is probably one of the best times.
* please don't make fun of me
somebody tell me the purpose of the moon. somebody tell me how to make love stay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|03:14 am] |
| [ | music |
| | it's all either embarassing or depressing right now | ] |
entirely too sick of all this.
whatever. thursday shall prove to be interesting. |
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| because i am a stupid and superstitious person |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|03:51 am] |
here is my horoscope for Sunday:
"It's time for you to declare yourself in some way. Whether it's a romantic situation or a mini-conspiracy at work, your unique voice is all that's missing to make things work out for the best."
So I suppose that means things will work out for the best? Crossing my fingers. Capitalization is weird. I'm glad I'm hanging out with those boys again, and I feel like they actually like having me around. I really do think if Rebecca hadn't been...I don't know, just plain weird, I probably would have never stopped being best friends with them. No use in thinking about it now. They really are fantastic. But I'm not glad that he told her that he likes me, because now I know for a fact and that makes me feel kind of bad. Oh well. It happens, and more often than I'd like to admit. But as long as he doesn't give me some sort of monologue, labeling and stereotyping and speaking bad French and guilt-tripping me, then...well, I think he knows me better than those boys did. But I thought they knew me really well, thought they were my best friends, so who knows, really. Let's hope it doesn't come down to that. |
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| an added thought: |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|06:55 am] |
Beautiful, sobbing
high-geared fucking
and then to lie silently
like deer tracks in the
freshly-fallen snow beside
the one you love.
That's all.
-Richard Brautigan |
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| everything all of the time |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|06:33 am] |
i am feeling rather quixotic but in a slightly more negative connotation. radiohead is the only music that makes sense to me right now. i should learn how to sleep better. i do, really, like the way this drawing is turning out. i think i need to frame it and give it to somebody as a gift, because i feel like i can't keep it. i don't know why. i feel like maybe i should give it to him, as it is a drawing of him. but maybe that's stupid. i don't know if i'll ever even hear from him again; i left everything in his hands. and, no, the irony does not escape me. i never sleep anymore. it's like when my mania was in full swing in high school but now it's self-induced, at least for a while, and i actually do things. things that aren't sit in the bathroom and cry. i don't cry much anymore, either. i don't need to cry much anymore. i read an almost 400 page novel instead of doing homework, and now i am doing this, but i am also kinda-sorta getting my work done. i feel calm and crazy and excited and scared and i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i like waking up there. and i don't want to repeat thursday, and if it means distancing myself from all of them, well...fine. fine. maybe i should be alone for a while, anyway. maybe. but maybe that's the worst thing for me. oh, jesus, i am crossing my fingers and toes and legs (at least, attempting that last one) that whatever happens next- because now there are so many things that i cannot change, where i have said and done my piece and i am fairly certain some of it was the right thing to do and i am fairly certain some of it was the fucking stupidest thing to do, but now there is nothing i can do. nothing i can do. and that is probably the scariest thing of all.
"people don't know what they want, and are willing to go through hell to get it." i don't remember who said that, but right now i wish i did. maybe i wish it was me.
maybe i just wish i could feel really, really, really good about one thing in my life; stupid as that is i suppose it's true. maybe i wish i could quit these g-ddamned awful self-absorbed and self-obsessed writings, but i don't know if any of that'll ever happen. |
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